wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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