Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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