I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize