i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
