Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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