my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
