I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I love having hate sex.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize