She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
