you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize