I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
