I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
