He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Im part way to drunk.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
