So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
