My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
