I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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