Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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