He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
