last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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