I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I will be naked everywhere
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
