Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I did not marry a roomba.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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