Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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