If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's blow job season.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
