1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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