I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
