conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i think i just lost a toe
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
