cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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