I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize