I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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