I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
