Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
