sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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