dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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