I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
