I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
