She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
