Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize