I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
