New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
