What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
