Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So vagazzling was a success
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize