Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
