apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
