happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
