Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
