fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
