ugly people sure do ruin things
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
