dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
