you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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