he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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