Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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