You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
