Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize