He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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