omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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