Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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